Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
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He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.