I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.