Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Who says great literature is dead?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
3% human
97% stress