It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
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Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.