Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
You Might Also Like
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory