Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.