Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.