[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.