[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day