The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”