My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Canadian owl: Eh?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.