On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity