why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
So true for me
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”