My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
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My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
#MeanwhileinCanada
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.