People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.