The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.