what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
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[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Thinking about Jeff
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
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“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
kevin is now a local weatherman
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag