Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
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Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73