there’s probably a fee though
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I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.