i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
You Might Also Like
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
having children is a pyramid scheme.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein