HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
😂💯
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.