Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
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Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.