Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
he looks great for his age
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
that colleague who touches your screen
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
No laws when master is gone
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun