So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
when dads have a rap battle
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Sounds about right! 💯
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