Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?