On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 馃幍
You Might Also Like
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
if i ask for your hoodie it鈥檚 not because i like you, it鈥檚 for witchcraft.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
2023 was just a warmup
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
10yo all day Sunday: I鈥橫 SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 馃槅馃槅
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
if I wasn鈥檛 supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.