When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?