I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts