M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?