People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
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Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!