wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Goodnight 🐶
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears