[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
💯😂
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”