Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
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My birthstone is a marshmallow.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.