Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.