if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.