Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.