*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely