The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
philosophical skeletons be like
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?