9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
You Might Also Like
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.