I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.