Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me