Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I never needed anything more in my life
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS