[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.