If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Sooo many times…..
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Just got to our Airbnb!
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.