A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Nice try Hitler
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is