Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
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“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Kentucky names the shit out of places
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
can’t catch a break
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up