The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
You Might Also Like
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Got him!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I feel this so hard
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?