[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Yeah it鈥檚 disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn鈥檛 their friends like my joke tho? 馃槫 How rude.
i love that my tweets still say i鈥檓 tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 馃檹
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: I can鈥檛 wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What鈥檚 my dentist鈥檚 name again?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors