WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.