doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
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I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
the rocks need my help